I am a black woman married to a white man.  Sometimes I read internet articles and blogs on the subject.  In all the discussions on black women dating/marrying white and other non-black men, much is made of the shortcomings of much of the bm population.  There’s resentment over bm mating choices, lack of financial responsibility, and higher crime rates.  Many bw speak of being passed over by black men because of their education, complexion, hair length/texture. 

There is a tremendous amount of emotional and mental energy expended on why we can’t have the black partners we would otherwise be with.  I’d like all of us to consider, what is this saying to the “other” men that we might like to have as romantic options?

Put yourself in their shoes.  What if, in your interest in “interracial” relationships, say, you came across blogs where all the white, asian, etc. guys listed chapter and verse the flaws of white and asian women as the reasons they were seeking others as options? Might you get the message that “their own women” were their preferred partners, but since they were acting up, a man might settle for you?  I’m not suggesting that we should not discuss problems in the “black community” in regards to romantic relationships.  Let’s just be aware of what we say, how we say it, how often we say it, and what we are NOT saying (or not saying with enough frequency)!

I actually read a statement to that effect on a message board once. (NOT on Evia’s or Halima’s blog, just to be clear).  A bw stated that her first choice was a black man, but if she couldn’t find one she’d “settle for a white guy”. Settle! 

I believe Evia has touched on the need for black women to be mindful of how we act and how we may be perceived.  We do not want to send the message to white, asian, etc. men that we are “settling” for them.  I know I wouldn’t trade my dh for any man in the world.  If you don’t want to be someone’s consolation prize, don’t try and make them play that role for you.  Everyone loses in that scenario.