He’s My First Choice

May 12, 2007

I am a black woman married to a white man.  Sometimes I read internet articles and blogs on the subject.  In all the discussions on black women dating/marrying white and other non-black men, much is made of the shortcomings of much of the bm population.  There’s resentment over bm mating choices, lack of financial responsibility, and higher crime rates.  Many bw speak of being passed over by black men because of their education, complexion, hair length/texture. 

There is a tremendous amount of emotional and mental energy expended on why we can’t have the black partners we would otherwise be with.  I’d like all of us to consider, what is this saying to the “other” men that we might like to have as romantic options?

Put yourself in their shoes.  What if, in your interest in “interracial” relationships, say, you came across blogs where all the white, asian, etc. guys listed chapter and verse the flaws of white and asian women as the reasons they were seeking others as options? Might you get the message that “their own women” were their preferred partners, but since they were acting up, a man might settle for you?  I’m not suggesting that we should not discuss problems in the “black community” in regards to romantic relationships.  Let’s just be aware of what we say, how we say it, how often we say it, and what we are NOT saying (or not saying with enough frequency)!

I actually read a statement to that effect on a message board once. (NOT on Evia’s or Halima’s blog, just to be clear).  A bw stated that her first choice was a black man, but if she couldn’t find one she’d “settle for a white guy”. Settle! 

I believe Evia has touched on the need for black women to be mindful of how we act and how we may be perceived.  We do not want to send the message to white, asian, etc. men that we are “settling” for them.  I know I wouldn’t trade my dh for any man in the world.  If you don’t want to be someone’s consolation prize, don’t try and make them play that role for you.  Everyone loses in that scenario.

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4 Responses to “He’s My First Choice”


  1. I think settling on any man does him an injustice. If a man told me that he settled on me, I would question our relationship. In fact, I’d want to get out of that relationship. Maybe the language that these women use is indicative of the social pressures that Black women are under. I think as woman, we have been socialized to think that we are cultural bearers of our community. Anytime a bw chooses to marry outside of the community, people question their loyality and identity. People assume that she hates herself and that she will not help black people. Those who say that they prefer Black Men may be trying to assert their loyality to their community and their pride in their identity by saying that their first choice is a Black man. But was this “choice” something that came from their heart? Or was this something that comes from what we are taught.

    You make a lot of good points. What it comes down to is that you shouldn’t try to justify your preferences or personal choices on faulty essentializations. You should be true to yourself and hoest. That way, you can do yourself and your partner justice.


  2. Salaam Hun, your post hit a nerve with me, im a single black woman (somali) and am petrified of marrying outside of my culture let alone race, however lately i have been thinking of looking outside my race, its just a thought at the moment i dunno if i will follow through, for me its “better the devil you know” type of situation, with a british-somali i feel like we would have a similar view of marriage/life. However there is a real stigma in my community as many of these interracial marriages have not lasted very long. The funny thing is, in the somali community you find it is the women who marry out the men seem content.

    I look forward to reading about your life in a interracial marriage.

  3. freddie Says:

    Great post.
    I would never, never imply that I “settled” for my spouse because I didn’t.


  4. Interracial Amour is a new dating service where professional and collegiate white men can search purposefully for sophisticated black women. In other words, the chase is on for beautiful black women. Visit us at http://www.interracialamour.com and read our campaign release statement.

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