Something New Isn’t Always Something Good–thoughts part II

January 18, 2008


Has it been a week already? On to part two.

 I also wonder whether the black women who are raving about white men ever stop to reflect on the reality of having a white partner.  Do they ever consider that their partner will in no way appreciate what it means to be black in this society?  Do they realize that he will never truly understand all the crap they have to go through.  Additionally, the white boyfriend/ husband is very likely to expose his black partner to increased racism (through racist family and friends). 

I can’t address the “raving” bit, since that’s not me.

Does my husband really know what is like to be black in this society?  No.  While he is more well-read on the subject of black history and experience than your average white guy, he will never know what it is like to be black.  I don’t expect him to and for me, this is not a requirement of a good relationship.  I do need him to listen to me when I want or need to talk about my experiences or those of others.   To do so without downplaying what I share. I do need him not to have a polly-anna “racism is in the past and everything is all good now” attitude.  I do need him to acknowledge the more subtle forms of racism and not think that the only racism is expressed in cross-burnings and assault.  He does that.

Everyone will have to decide for themselves the importance of such matters.  I remember when the No Doubt song “Just a Girl” came out and I was singing along to it, obviously into the message.  My brother was all “You like that song?”  He didn’t get the lyrics, didn’t get the feeling.  He’s male.  He will never know what it is like to be a girl or woman in this society. White men will never feel what you feel as a black woman. Black men will never feel what you feel as a black woman, either. To have a romantic partner really get what it’s like to be a black woman, it would have to be, um, a black woman.

I have friends and acquaintances that I can talk to and hang out with who get black womanhood because they are black women.  Then of course there are aunties and my mommy.  I love and appreciate them for that and of course their individual good traits.  Even they, of course, will never really know what it’s like to be ME. Everyone’s life is a unique experience. 

As to dealing with increased racism from a white husband’s family and friends, I don’t really know what that is like either.  My in-laws have always been cool.  When my white nieces and nephews get presents, my kids get presents.  She also sends me notes and thoughtful little gifts masha’allah.  She is the queen of crafty cards and cool presents.  My mother-in-law makes sure all her children and their spouses and children get together for vacations at least once a year.  I’m not going to say there has never been a disagreement, but they have been rare and they have never had anything to do with race.  I don’t claim this is the norm as I don’t really know.  All I’m saying is, you can’t assume that his family and friends are going to disapprove.  Birds of a feather often flock together, so maybe they are the same kind of “bird” as him lol.

Something to consider.


7 Responses to “Something New Isn’t Always Something Good–thoughts part II”

  1. Anonymiss Says:

    No one should have to sacrifice their happiness nor suppress their desires for someone else’s agenda. It’s your life and you’re entitled to live it however you please.

  2. Sorry I missed this before. I can only speak for myself, but personally I never dated a black man who understood what it was like to be a black woman in this society. So, it was certainly no big leap to date a white man who would never understand what it’s like to be a black woman either. What’s the difference? Short of dating a black woman I will never date/mate with anyone who truly understands my reality. And you know what? That’s okay with me, because I’ve got a man who has my back REGARDLESS, and that’s all I require.

    My dh hasn’t exposed me to additional racism. Indeed, I’ve been brought into a family that’s almost tribal in its loyalty to me and mine. My family feels the same way about him. I’m not sure where Clare’s perspective comes from, but it in no way reflects my reality.

  3. Tyhitia Says:

    People should find someone they’re happy with, regardless of color, religion, etc. I can so relate to this. I won’t say how on an open forum, but I’ll e-mail ya one day… :*)

  4. anonymous Says:

    well..not everyone is so fortunate. I am married to a white man. He is from an Eastern European background and his entire family is “subtly racist.” The type who smiles in your face and calls your nigger behind your back. When our first daughter was born my mother in law told me “thank God she is not too black.” Yes she did. She is a devout Christian woman…right!!!My husband convinced me that he was an open minded person who did not judge an individual due to colour, religion or status. Since our wedding day,literally,he has shown me another side or his personality. Our neighbours are racist…they call me monkey and swear at me in Polish..the ignore our children (3 and 5 years of age) when they say hello. My husband tells me that I am causing trouble if I speak out against their actions. I am not to speak negatively against any white person,including strangers because I am expected to “forgive them.” Did I mention that hie best friend sent his an email entitled ” Gay niggers from outer space” this friend knows me and our childre..this friend has made racist comments to my face in the past. My husband accused me of being hateful and racist because I told him that no one who respected him or our family would even think to send such an email to him. His response was ” He is my best friend and I am not losing my friendship over this shit.” Yes he did say this. Why do I stay…well…he controls the money, grocery shopping, his bills ( I am expected to pay my own bills even though I stay at home with our children and purchase food, clothes and household items with my own money) I have to ask for everything..if he agrees then he will buy it for me. I beg him to move us out of this neighbourhood but he refuses. Did I mention that someone tried to break into our home..he did nothing..I had to call the police myself..a white supremist called our home and threatened us..I told him to call the police..the police did nothing..he yelled at me when I told him that I was afraid..there I go again causing problems…right…Anyway…I am going on and on…I do apologize. Why did I submit a comment..Well to anyone thinking of getting involved in this type of relationship…think twice and then again. If his or her actions do not correlate with his or her words of for the hills and do not look back!!!

  5. anonymous Says:

    please excuse my spelling errors in the above comment..

  6. Sparkle86 Says:

    To the anon poster, I think you need to seriously reconsider your relationship with this Polish man. A husband is supposed to SUPPORT a wife in good times and BAD. IF he is consistently dismissing your fears and needs then he is NOT a good husband, If he is consistently choosing his family and friends over HIS WIFE then consider a divorce if possible. I’m serious. Sorry to be so blunt. I would NEVER tolerant that kind of behavior from ANY man.

  7. Sparkle86 Says:

    tolerate, not tolerant- spelling error.

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