Waiting for Superman

November 9, 2010

Yeah, he's fine. But he ain't real.

“If I’m gonna date a white guy, I’m not getting Opie.  He has to be fine.”

“He has to really care about racial justice.  I’m talking a Tim Wise type.”

“He has to have some kind of swagger.”

I have heard variations on the above from black women when talking about the sort of white man they could be persuaded to date and/or marry.  Sometimes, they want all of that in one man (plus education, a fitness model body, etc.etc.)  I’m going to ignore #1 and #3, as Evia and others have more than adequately addressed those.

When I read that, I kind of laughed.  Think about it.  Who makes up 75-90% of the footsoldiers in  IBA (Indigenous Black Americans, yeah I just made that up, feel free to use it) civil rights/racial justice associations?

You’d be hard-pressed to find a black man who spends a great deal of time writing articles/organizing protests/giving lectures on racial justice to seriously date. (Statistically speaking)  Listing that as a requirement for a white man effectively eliminates them as an option.  See how neatly she did that?

I doubt such women who are so very concerned with this issue would even consider making that a “must-have” in a black man.

So why would she be so insistent on this behavior from a white man?  My theory is that this is another part of the “Keeping it Real” trickbag.  By insisting that any white man she dates be a “Tim Wise”, she can deflect any accusations that she has “sold out” by dating/marrying white, “forgot where she came from” and all the other nonsensical foolishness sometimes hurled at IR married black women.

Like I said above, it also shrinks her possible pool of white potential mates to teaspoon size.  By throwing up ridiculous obstacles, she can justify never taking the risk of trying “something new.”  She can use the excuse that she is “waiting for Superman,” who as we all know, doesn’t exist.  But, as a source which I can’t find yet once said,

“To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”


I Have Something to Say

November 5, 2010

With all the BWE blogs on fire lately, I’ve just been sitting back and reading.  But new posts are coming soon insha’allah.

Happy Loving Day

June 13, 2010

Thanks to these two and their lawyers, my husband and I have the ability to be legally married.

No one will be bursting into our bedroom to cart us off to jail for the crime of miscegenation, and no one will make us choose between prison or banishment from the state as our punishment.

We are free to jointly own property, dine on the patio at our favorite local restaurant, and attend the company holiday party.  We are free to raise a gaggle of adorable mischief makers who carry his family name. To have an ordinary life.  A good life.

Happy Loving Day, Mildred and Jeter.  Rest in peace.

The Tide is Turning

April 29, 2010

I’m seeing the BW’s empowerment message being embraced (at least in part) on a number of BW’s blogs that had previously been dead-set against the idea.

It’s been amusing to watch the online “conversation comfort zone” in which several rabid and known “Ikettes” operate get smaller and smaller.

What the “Ikettes” and their Internet Ike Turner-puppetmasters don’t realize is that AA men’s ongoing failures and DBR behavior is the greatest and the most successful “recruiting sergeant” ever for spreading the BWE message.

Damaged Beyond Repair AA males are inadvertently proving the truth of the BWE analysis of AA women’s situation by their behavior!

And by their ongoing refusal to protect and provide for BW and children, AA men in general are burning their bridges with ever-increasing numbers of AA women. [Including the BW who previously felt politically obligated to support them.]

From what you said earlier, your conversation last summer with some educated, professional, on-the-surface-only-“good BM” DBR AA males was the final straw that fully yanked the scales off your eyes.

I had a similar experience a few years ago. It was the series of deeply selfish, DBR-type comments from so-called “conscious brothers” at a “Black Love/Black Unity” blog that ultimately pushed me all the way OUT of Black Nationalist ideology. [And I had previously believed in that ideology since college.]

The things these so-called “conscious brothers” said on that and other “Black love” blogs shocked me into the realization that the masses of AA males will NEVER protect and provide for BW and children—BW are on their own, and need to act accordingly!

So, whether the partially-aware and still indoctrinated AA women like it or not, there’s NO going back to sleep after one’s eyelids come even partially open.

–Khadija Nassif, commenting at http://actsoffaithblog.com/

 I’ve been pleasantly surprised over this last year.  A number of black women I have “e-known” for a number of years have begun to catch on the fact that yes, we are women, yes, people too and that GASP! –perhaps we should consider what people are doing for us when deciding whether to run ourselves ragged, rushing around to do for them.

As Khadijah said, all one need do is simply pay attention to what is going on. The unfortunate truth is right there.

And when the most ardent believers in a near-future of a happy, stable, and functioning black community…

The most eloquent preachers of “black conscious thought”….

The most strident deriders of the idea of AA women doing whats best for them individually, even if that means marrying out…

When those women snap out of it and direct that same energy, passion, and eloquence to the cause of Black Women Empowerment, watch out.

I was witness to the conversation that, in Khadija’s words, “snapped her out of her black nationalist trance.”  I remember feeling her escalating agitation as it became clear that the “conscious brothers” on that blog were more than happy for a sister who had come there for advice to remain unmarried and childless. Against her heart’s desire.  Because to them, that was better than her being involved with a white man.  When she finally let them have it, it was a “Whoa!” moment. 

And then, then my friends!  She gave us http://www.muslimbushido.blogspot.com .  The blog was wildly popular, and a book soon followed.  http://www.amazon.com/Sojourners-Passport-Womans-Having-Deserve/dp/1432751891/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264427281&sr=1-1  As Evia has often said, more black women should start blogs and comment because their different ways of seeing and presenting ideas may be effective with some black women where she has not been. 

It seems another black woman blogger is having a similar awakening:  http://blackconsciousthought.blogspot.com/2010/04/black-menblack-women-you-are-black.html

It can be a rough an painful process, but dealing with life as it is, rather than as you wish it were, is always the better choice.


September 9, 2009

The author and host of Black Female Interracial Marriage, Evia has been unafraid to champion freedom of choice for African American women in the marriage arena.  Her essays aren’t always agreeable (I’ve “ouched” my way through a few of them in the past) but as she always says, “Take what you can use and trash the rest.”

She has inspired bloggers such as Gina from What About Our Daughters, and her essays were helpful to Khadija of Muslim Bushido, after she had an awakening of sorts.  (I even started blogging after she urged many of her readers to start their own blogs and present their own points of view)

One woman, creating art and writing on her farm, has had a huge impact on black female empowerment.  Here’s to you, Evia, this week’s “Work it Wednesday” feature.

Roslyn Hardy Holcomb

August 26, 2009

Isn't she lovely

Isn't she lovely

Today I am debuting a new category called:  “Work it! Wednesdays.”  The plan is to feature, every week, a black woman doing wonderful things… her way.

I’m pleased to feature romance author Roslyn Hardy Holcomb in the premier edition.  Her stories feature black women getting what we all want, love, romance, and devotion.

So far I have only read her debut novel, Rock Star.  It can be purchased for a mere $6.99 at amazon. rock star(Makes a great gift!)  I hadn’t read a romance novel in some years, and my foray into the fictional town of Maple Fork, Alabama to meet Callie and Bryan did not disappoint.

Mrs. Holcomb is a romance writer and stay at home mom to one very adorable son.   You can find out more about Roslyn at:  http://www.roslynhardyholcomb.com/

Last Night I Cried

October 29, 2008

My husband and I had dinner out.  It was great.  We talked about any and everything, the food was delicious and the restaurant wasn’t too loud.

As we headed back to the car he said something funny, we made eye contact, and burst out laughing.  In that moment it hit me all over again how much I love him, what a great husband he is masha’allah, how blessed I am to have him in my life.  How much it would hurt if anything happened to him (may Allah protect me from that). 

I started tearing up a bit but got it together in a few seconds, and he never noticed.

Go hug your love today.

If you don’t have one, know that their is such a thing as true love.

(On a lighter note, that reminds me that I have leftovers. Yum!)

What Will People Say?

October 17, 2008

So what if they do?

So what if they do?

I cannot ride a bike.  I tried once or twice as a kid, but I never learned and never got a bike.  No big deal. 

Every child of mine old enough to ride a bike has one, however.  To keep up with them, I have to jog.  Last time we were at the bike shop, I mentioned aloud that I’d like to get a bike, but “They don’t make training wheels for grown-ups.”  The bike-shop guy assured me that I was wrong and they do in fact, make such things.

“People will laugh at you mommy,” says my oldest girl.

“So what if they do?” I shot back.  “What will happen if I get a big, purple bike with training wheels and ride around the neighborhood?  Maybe someone will laugh.  Maybe someone will be rude enough to point and laugh loudly enough for me to hear. What then?”

OG seems to think this over.  I continue, “Then I keep riding past them.  They don’t care about me.  Should I let the fact that they think I look silly stop me from learning to ride?”


“You can’t let the opinions of people who don’t even care about you stop you from doing what’s good for you.  How dumb would I be not to learn to ride a bike just because some people may laugh?”

Occasionally Mr. Foreverloyal and I get a few looks when we are out and about.  Some curious, some a lil peeved.  Only once have we experienced a hostile glare. (If looks could kill we’d be DEAD, I tell you, along with the two children we had at the time.)  Once my husband was the target of some loud hostile blathering https://foreverloyal.wordpress.com/2007/09/04/say-it-loud-im-jahil-and-proud/ but really, big deal.

Refuse to date/marry outside of your race/culture because it’s THAT important to you to have a monocultural/racial household.

Refuse to date/marry outside of your race/culture because you just don’t find “others” attractive, point blank.

But for the love of all that is sensible, for the love of self, don’t refuse just because you fear what people might say.


October 11, 2008

Honestly, I “forget” all the time that my husband is white.

When I go to call my husband at work to see what time he will be home, I think, “Let me call Mr. Foreverloyal.”  I don’t think, “Let me call my WHITE husband to see when he will be home.”

I think to myself, “I LOVE my honey,”  I’m not thinking, I just love my WHITE honey!”

In our day-to-day relationship, we are not constantly navigating racial issues.  We discuss what to have for dinner, how are the kids doing academically, how funny it is that our baby grabbed him in the middle of the night and demanded to be nursed (Um, wrong parent, kiddo!).  You know, normal stuff.

Naturally, we sometimes see things differently as a result of being two different “races” in America.  But I am here to tell you that if you have mutual respect, shared values and some similar interests, race will not be a huge daily issue in your relationship.  Something that may have seemed like such a HUGE deal in the beginning to fade to the background as largely insignificant.