Happy Loving Day

June 13, 2010

Thanks to these two and their lawyers, my husband and I have the ability to be legally married.

No one will be bursting into our bedroom to cart us off to jail for the crime of miscegenation, and no one will make us choose between prison or banishment from the state as our punishment.

We are free to jointly own property, dine on the patio at our favorite local restaurant, and attend the company holiday party.  We are free to raise a gaggle of adorable mischief makers who carry his family name. To have an ordinary life.  A good life.

Happy Loving Day, Mildred and Jeter.  Rest in peace.

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If you think you have it bad with black men, step outside of the community and see if you have it any better. The fact of the matter is, youre only a woman in the black community. Once you step outside that community, you can proclaim you are a woman all you want but you are black first.  –Ranter who shall not be named

I read that little rant and had to laugh, because it is so pathetic.

Pathetic because that was the best the guy could do.

His argument that black women should stay with/support black men is that even though they are bad, other people are worse?

Really though?

If that’s his whole argument, what he’s really doing is pleading the case for why black women should bounce and not look back.

Why not list all the benefits that the “black community” provides?

Black men and women who want to scare black women into staying, physically and mentally, trapped in a black construct always use that same tired threat:  Those other people don’t really care about you.  Those other people will hurt you.  You’re only safe here.  Don’t come crying back to us for help when (fill in the blank horrible thing) happens to you!  Well here’s a newsflash for all those who think like this:  horrible things are happening to black women NOW, where people like YOU hold sway.  Don’t bother threatening that you won’t help me if I leave, because you are useless right now.

Honestly this argument is very reminiscent of the one domestic abusers use on their victims.  “I’m the only one that loves you, you’re so ugly no one else would put up with you, you will only ever have me.”

The black husbands of many of the black women I know personally would not need to say “Other men are worse than me”.  These women look happy and low-stress everytime I see them, largely because their husbands are doing their part.  A man of worth does not need to spew threats and foolishness to get you to stay.  He knows that he has been doing well in providing, protecting, listening, cherishing, and loving.

 Only the scared and insecure need make threats instead of making a case based on reality.  And only the scared, insecure, and uninformed will fall for such nonsense.

 

The Tide is Turning

April 29, 2010

I’m seeing the BW’s empowerment message being embraced (at least in part) on a number of BW’s blogs that had previously been dead-set against the idea.

It’s been amusing to watch the online “conversation comfort zone” in which several rabid and known “Ikettes” operate get smaller and smaller.

What the “Ikettes” and their Internet Ike Turner-puppetmasters don’t realize is that AA men’s ongoing failures and DBR behavior is the greatest and the most successful “recruiting sergeant” ever for spreading the BWE message.

Damaged Beyond Repair AA males are inadvertently proving the truth of the BWE analysis of AA women’s situation by their behavior!

And by their ongoing refusal to protect and provide for BW and children, AA men in general are burning their bridges with ever-increasing numbers of AA women. [Including the BW who previously felt politically obligated to support them.]

From what you said earlier, your conversation last summer with some educated, professional, on-the-surface-only-“good BM” DBR AA males was the final straw that fully yanked the scales off your eyes.

I had a similar experience a few years ago. It was the series of deeply selfish, DBR-type comments from so-called “conscious brothers” at a “Black Love/Black Unity” blog that ultimately pushed me all the way OUT of Black Nationalist ideology. [And I had previously believed in that ideology since college.]

The things these so-called “conscious brothers” said on that and other “Black love” blogs shocked me into the realization that the masses of AA males will NEVER protect and provide for BW and children—BW are on their own, and need to act accordingly!

So, whether the partially-aware and still indoctrinated AA women like it or not, there’s NO going back to sleep after one’s eyelids come even partially open.

–Khadija Nassif, commenting at http://actsoffaithblog.com/

 I’ve been pleasantly surprised over this last year.  A number of black women I have “e-known” for a number of years have begun to catch on the fact that yes, we are women, yes, people too and that GASP! –perhaps we should consider what people are doing for us when deciding whether to run ourselves ragged, rushing around to do for them.

As Khadijah said, all one need do is simply pay attention to what is going on. The unfortunate truth is right there.

And when the most ardent believers in a near-future of a happy, stable, and functioning black community…

The most eloquent preachers of “black conscious thought”….

The most strident deriders of the idea of AA women doing whats best for them individually, even if that means marrying out…

When those women snap out of it and direct that same energy, passion, and eloquence to the cause of Black Women Empowerment, watch out.

I was witness to the conversation that, in Khadija’s words, “snapped her out of her black nationalist trance.”  I remember feeling her escalating agitation as it became clear that the “conscious brothers” on that blog were more than happy for a sister who had come there for advice to remain unmarried and childless. Against her heart’s desire.  Because to them, that was better than her being involved with a white man.  When she finally let them have it, it was a “Whoa!” moment. 

And then, then my friends!  She gave us http://www.muslimbushido.blogspot.com .  The blog was wildly popular, and a book soon followed.  http://www.amazon.com/Sojourners-Passport-Womans-Having-Deserve/dp/1432751891/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264427281&sr=1-1  As Evia has often said, more black women should start blogs and comment because their different ways of seeing and presenting ideas may be effective with some black women where she has not been. 

It seems another black woman blogger is having a similar awakening:  http://blackconsciousthought.blogspot.com/2010/04/black-menblack-women-you-are-black.html

It can be a rough an painful process, but dealing with life as it is, rather than as you wish it were, is always the better choice.

Evia

September 9, 2009

The author and host of Black Female Interracial Marriage, Evia has been unafraid to champion freedom of choice for African American women in the marriage arena.  Her essays aren’t always agreeable (I’ve “ouched” my way through a few of them in the past) but as she always says, “Take what you can use and trash the rest.”

She has inspired bloggers such as Gina from What About Our Daughters, and her essays were helpful to Khadija of Muslim Bushido, after she had an awakening of sorts.  (I even started blogging after she urged many of her readers to start their own blogs and present their own points of view)

One woman, creating art and writing on her farm, has had a huge impact on black female empowerment.  Here’s to you, Evia, this week’s “Work it Wednesday” feature.

Roslyn Hardy Holcomb

August 26, 2009

Isn't she lovely

Isn't she lovely

Today I am debuting a new category called:  “Work it! Wednesdays.”  The plan is to feature, every week, a black woman doing wonderful things… her way.

I’m pleased to feature romance author Roslyn Hardy Holcomb in the premier edition.  Her stories feature black women getting what we all want, love, romance, and devotion.

So far I have only read her debut novel, Rock Star.  It can be purchased for a mere $6.99 at amazon. rock star(Makes a great gift!)  I hadn’t read a romance novel in some years, and my foray into the fictional town of Maple Fork, Alabama to meet Callie and Bryan did not disappoint.

Mrs. Holcomb is a romance writer and stay at home mom to one very adorable son.   You can find out more about Roslyn at:  http://www.roslynhardyholcomb.com/

Last Night I Cried

October 29, 2008

My husband and I had dinner out.  It was great.  We talked about any and everything, the food was delicious and the restaurant wasn’t too loud.

As we headed back to the car he said something funny, we made eye contact, and burst out laughing.  In that moment it hit me all over again how much I love him, what a great husband he is masha’allah, how blessed I am to have him in my life.  How much it would hurt if anything happened to him (may Allah protect me from that). 

I started tearing up a bit but got it together in a few seconds, and he never noticed.

Go hug your love today.

If you don’t have one, know that their is such a thing as true love.

(On a lighter note, that reminds me that I have leftovers. Yum!)

What Will People Say?

October 17, 2008

So what if they do?

So what if they do?

I cannot ride a bike.  I tried once or twice as a kid, but I never learned and never got a bike.  No big deal. 

Every child of mine old enough to ride a bike has one, however.  To keep up with them, I have to jog.  Last time we were at the bike shop, I mentioned aloud that I’d like to get a bike, but “They don’t make training wheels for grown-ups.”  The bike-shop guy assured me that I was wrong and they do in fact, make such things.

“People will laugh at you mommy,” says my oldest girl.

“So what if they do?” I shot back.  “What will happen if I get a big, purple bike with training wheels and ride around the neighborhood?  Maybe someone will laugh.  Maybe someone will be rude enough to point and laugh loudly enough for me to hear. What then?”

OG seems to think this over.  I continue, “Then I keep riding past them.  They don’t care about me.  Should I let the fact that they think I look silly stop me from learning to ride?”

“No.”

“You can’t let the opinions of people who don’t even care about you stop you from doing what’s good for you.  How dumb would I be not to learn to ride a bike just because some people may laugh?”

Occasionally Mr. Foreverloyal and I get a few looks when we are out and about.  Some curious, some a lil peeved.  Only once have we experienced a hostile glare. (If looks could kill we’d be DEAD, I tell you, along with the two children we had at the time.)  Once my husband was the target of some loud hostile blathering https://foreverloyal.wordpress.com/2007/09/04/say-it-loud-im-jahil-and-proud/ but really, big deal.

Refuse to date/marry outside of your race/culture because it’s THAT important to you to have a monocultural/racial household.

Refuse to date/marry outside of your race/culture because you just don’t find “others” attractive, point blank.

But for the love of all that is sensible, for the love of self, don’t refuse just because you fear what people might say.

Strong Black Woman

October 16, 2008

Zoe.

Enough said.

Colorblind?

October 11, 2008

Honestly, I “forget” all the time that my husband is white.

When I go to call my husband at work to see what time he will be home, I think, “Let me call Mr. Foreverloyal.”  I don’t think, “Let me call my WHITE husband to see when he will be home.”

I think to myself, “I LOVE my honey,”  I’m not thinking, I just love my WHITE honey!”

In our day-to-day relationship, we are not constantly navigating racial issues.  We discuss what to have for dinner, how are the kids doing academically, how funny it is that our baby grabbed him in the middle of the night and demanded to be nursed (Um, wrong parent, kiddo!).  You know, normal stuff.

Naturally, we sometimes see things differently as a result of being two different “races” in America.  But I am here to tell you that if you have mutual respect, shared values and some similar interests, race will not be a huge daily issue in your relationship.  Something that may have seemed like such a HUGE deal in the beginning to fade to the background as largely insignificant.

Making a Fuss

August 27, 2008

I went out of town for a week with the kids recently.

I thought that while I was gone, Mr. Foreverloyal would have a good time.

I pictured him being able to sleep without the a little knee in his back. (Sometimes the kids still sneak into the bed)  I imagined him working out without tripping over toddlers and using the computer without children pleading to be let in to see him.  He also had a few home improvement projects planned too, which are always easier to complete without small children around.

Don’t get me wrong, Mr. Foreverloyal loves his kids.  But we all need a little break now and again.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.

We spoke on the phone the first day I was gone, all was well. The next two days I couldn’t reach him, even at work.  Mr. Foreverloyal NEVER misses work, and I was starting to get worried.  Finally I get a call from him.  He had been in bed really sick with a fever.  I asked him had he taken any of the supplements I had and he said he could barely get out of bed.

Poor guy

Poor guy

I was sooo happy to get home a couple of days later.  I’ve been getting him water and going to the store for enriched juice (C-Boost from Bolthouse Farms, very good). Making him soup and tea, keeping the kids from cannonballing into his abdomen, and of course making sure he takes his supplements.  He’s back at work but is coming home early, and he’s sent straight to bed for more pampering.

With all the little kids running around here you’d think I’d be annoyed at more running about, but I’m actually glad to shower him with the attention.  I think, insha’allah, he’ll be all better in a few days.

That’s another benefit to a good marriage: having someone to fuss over you when you’re sick.